


alone again, naturally

by ohssens



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: :(, Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Fluff, chaeyoung is sad?, ish, set in the wintertime, so its appropriate to the coldness in chaeyoung's heart??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-09 10:47:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14714601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohssens/pseuds/ohssens
Summary: Chaeyoung falls in love with Tzuyu for the first time in a law office. She slips, falls, and doesn't really count the next times anymore.





	1. one

It was a normal Winter afternoon.

The kind of coldness outside was painful, the kind that clung onto and numbed your skin once you stepped out the door. There were occasional gusts of wind that blew, powerful enough to cut through bare skin. But it was worse inside. Inside the lecture halls, only the occasional sounds of college students blowing their nose, coughing, or worse-- sneezing into their hands-- was heard. They always turned the heater on max during wintertime, and all it did was make students uncomfortable and sick from the rapid change of temperature, going inside and outside and heated hallways and lecture halls.

Chaeyoung was one of those sick students. She blew her nose, and got tissue from her bag mechanically because she was so used to getting sick nowadays. Then she looked up from the page of her book she was scribbling on, looked at the clock above the teacher’s head in the middle of the hall. There was only 10 minutes left of class. She could not wait. 10 minutes had felt like 2 hours in here. She looked outside the window, and wished that she were somewhere else but here, entrapped in the panelled, wooden walls of the lecture room.

The class was discussing Family Law. Beside her, Mark was taking down notes on his book studiously. Chaeyoung absentmindedly looked at him for a bit longer and noticed that his brow was furrowed with concentration, still groomed and neat from that one time she plucked the stray hairs in her apartment for no reason at all. Then she absentmindedly thought about the gift she was to give him for his birthday: a gold necklace of a cross she had seen in Chinatown. She wondered if he was going to like it.

But before Chaeyoung could think about it further, the bell had suddenly rung like a long, mechanical scream.

People began to gather their belongings as they left the lecture hall. Mr. Kang, who was in the midst of writing articles on the board when the bell rang, was still erasing his writings on the board. Chaeyoung looked at him for a while. She sympathized with him. Nobody tried to help him Mr. Kang, and the only goodbyes he got after the end of every class was a series of nearly indecipherable, perfunctory murmurs of “Bye, sir,”. Chaeyoung would have stood up to help him, but there was a kind of sadness that enveloped Mr. Kang that she was afraid of. She knew she would not be able to stop thinking about it, or escape it, had she did.

Mark stood up from his seat to fix his things, and it only occured to Chaeyoung then that the class was over.

“C’mon, Dahyun’s waiting for us in the foyer. Did you bring food?” Mark casually asked.

“Oh. I’m not eating here today. I’m going back to my apartment... I'm tired.” Chaeyoung said. “Sorry. Tell her I said hi,”

“Oh, okay. Sure. Uh, are you going tomorrow, though? To Sana’s?”

“Of course.”

Mark smiled, and Chaeyoung walked away before he could say anything else.

 

Chaeyoung quickly wore her long coat as soon as she stepped out the campus. She walked briskly, and could not wait to get inside- anywhere, just to get away from the cold. She didn’t want to eat in school. She had a 5-hour break- what was she to do?

She thought about the times she was able to spend 8 hours straight with her peers, happily, and it was strange that now she could barely stand to spend half those hours with them. Dahyun, Nayeon, Jungyeon… being in the middle of their conversations now was like having a string of white noise enter her ear, and go out the other. She could not understand what changed, or if it was either of them who changed, or if she did. She felt an awful, inevitable guilt whenever she declined their invitations to hang out, or eat together, or study together. Because they cared for her. They loved her, she knew. Jungyeon in particular always made sure Chaeyoung was OK. ‘Where’s Chaeyoung?’, ‘What’s Chaeyoung up to now?’, or, ‘Is Chaeyoung OK?’, Jungyeon always asked around, as if Chaeyoung was some kind of lame burden that could not be left alone for too long, or else she’d die. But they were wrong.

It was inevitable though, to mistake Chaeyoung for something else. It was hard for her to tell people what she really felt, because she had a strange way with words that people usually did not understand. She could not, even if she wanted to, let anybody inside her; to open her heart, and tell them of her vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and strengths. But it’s not like she wanted to. So it was virtually impossible.

Such a complex human being, Son Chaeyoung.

And as with her friends, it was unavoidable to feel such a change, too. Over the summer, after their fourth year of highschool, they had gone to all sorts of beaches and resorts outside town, but Chaeyoung opted out of it. She didn’t like the heat. Besides, she was too busy fixing her application forms for her internships. Then after that, things just didn’t seem to be the same. It felt strange being with them now. It was as if they carried an air so foreign, so tropical all the way here, and Chaeyoung could not breathe it because she had never been there. It was kind of like bringing an oxygen tank to outer space. What was it there that they breathed in the pacific islands that had ruined her once calm and settled dynamic amongst her friends?

Before she knew it, Chaeyoung arrived at the doorstep of her apartment. It was just like turning 19; Chaeyoung had reached the brink of adulthood without realizing, too, and without knowing how. Just two years ago she was a junior in highschool, and nothing else seemed to matter. But now… now what?

It was saddening to think about; it was as if the past was mocking her, her naive, younger self so foolish for thinking she had it hard then, just because she could not so comprehend the world around her. It was a strange time; her most desperate attempts of connection were done through art: drawing, photography, painting, writing. She’d look outside her childhood bedroom window- especially during the Spring- and the image of folly everywhere and the sky would not leave her mind that she had to put it somewhere else.

“Do as your heart pleases, Chaeyoung; I believe in you so much,” Jihyo’s pleads then rang in her head.

She suddenly remembered Jihyo, a senior from her highschool photography club. Jihyo, with her round face and her equally round eyes, Chaeyoung endearingly thought.

She used to sing Chaeyoung to sleep, kiss Chaeyoung’s eyelids when nobody was looking… All until she graduated and eventually studied abroad, and just like that, it was almost as if she’d never existed in Chaeyoung’s life, except for the physical remnants she had left behind. Letters, keychains, souvenirs...

But even then, despite Jihyo’s absence, she probably would have been disappointed in Chaeyoung, still, because she was not in arts school like Jihyo had expected. Now she was not the Chaeyoung that Jihyo had known, because Jihyo knew her well enough to know what she wanted. Strange to think that Chaeyoung was now a freshman in college, taking a pre-law course. (Chaeyoung? That Son Chaeyoung? She wants to take Law now?) Chaeyoung’s parents had discouraged her from taking anything related to the arts, because it was “unreliable as a career”. They had discouraged her but they had never really convinced her, but Chaeyoung wishes they actually succeeded in doing both instead.

At nineteen, Chaeyoung was stuck in a maze full of zigzags, and it seemed there was no way out.

 

 

“Hello- Chaeyoung? Are you even listening?”

Mark’s voice was starting to sound like white noise. It was early: probably just a few minutes after 11 in the evening, and they had just come from Sana's birthday party in a bar 3 blocks away. The amount of people in the party was suffocating, and Chaeyoung didn’t care about any of them particularly. She initially wanted to leave the event alone, but Mark insisted he wouldn’t allow her to.

This kind of thing would have been thrilling 5 years ago, but Chaeyoung was no longer in highschool. Now she was nothing but a college student, interning at a prestigious law company her distant uncle owned, looking for… what? Doing what? What was the law to her, even?

“Oh. Sorry. Yes, you were saying?” Chaeyoung said halfheartedly, a futile attempt of feigning interest in her voice. She was too busy staring at the blanket of snow on the pavements outside the dirty window, the reflection of half of her face translucent on the glass.

Mark sighed a little before continuing: “I said: are you free tomorrow? Let’s meet up for lunch. And you can come visit us during Christmas. My ma misses you,”

“I don’t know,” Chaeyoung said.

“You don’t ever visit us anymore like you used to.”

Yes, Chaeyoung used to come over a lot, during the 12th year of highschool. They were good friends then, and would help each other in almost all of their classes that they were in together. She wondered what changed.

“Mark, I don’t know.” Chaeyoung said again, now sullenly, refusing to look Mark in the eye. She continued looking outside the window, her hands fiddling with her apartment keys in the pockets of her jacket. She just wanted to go home.

“Are you going to come over tomorrow, then? We’re setting up the Christmas tree tomorrow in the living room… you can come help.” Mark said with a change of tone.

“I have a whole day shift tomorrow in the office. I can’t just take the train and visit you and come back in the span of an hour for lunch break.”

“Right.” Mark said after a pause. “God, it sucks that you have to work during the break.” He resumed sipping on his milkshake as his hands played with the condensed water droplets now sliding down the glass, pooling at the base of his drink.

And even though they were the only two customers in the diner, Chaeyoung suddenly felt suffocated. She looked away from the window, where she could still see a slight reflection of half of her face, and away from Mark, who looked at her with endearment- no, misguided endearment- with possessiveness, in his eyes. And suddenly Chaeyoung was afraid of him, and afraid of the diner. She closed her eyes, and realized that he reminded her too much of herself and of the position she was in.

A series of intrusive images crashed into Chaeyoung’s head; she thought of the unerased blackboard in the lecture hall yesterday, of Mr. Kang and his bald head, the unwashed glass of milk on the sink in her apartment. And suddenly she just wanted to run away.

 

The next day, Chaeyoung had woken up earlier than usual. It was finally the next morning, but this time it was slightly cold. The pattern in the weather was extremely elusive that Chaeyoung finally gave up trying to understand it.

She allowed herself to rest for a few minutes before she got up for the day; she looked at the mirror and ran a wet comb through her hair to tame it. She wore her thickest pair of polo and slacks, and her thickest pair of socks before she headed out the door on the way to the office.

 

 

The office at which Chaeyoung interned at was a lot like an asylum, with its clean, white walls that looked straight out of a sci-fi movie and its being excessively systematic. Everything was strictly structured; it categorized people into groups, and everything and everybody strictly had a designated purpose, and that it had always been, and always be that way.  The overly-clean walls, the maps on every corner, the scanners for the IDs… Chaeyoung didn’t know what she hated in the office, but there was definitely something that scared her. She wondered if this what what the future was going to look like. She didn’t want children anymore for this reason. The world was turning too fast for her, how else would her children deal with it? Asking for rest in this economy nearly equated to punishment and induced guilt. She hated it.

The place, too. was so much like an institution that it always made one feel cautious when one passed through the halls, Chaeyoung thought as she walked to her own cubicle in the 3rd floor of the building to start her day.

“Chaeyoung, help the clerk downstairs. They probably need some help. We’ll do fine here. Everybody’s just used up their leaves.” Mr. Choi said before Chaeyoung could enter the room to work in her own, assigned cubicle.

“Okay, sir.” Chaeyoung said. She took a right and went down the stairs as fast as she could.

“Hello, I’m sorry to disturb you,” Chaeyoung whispered to Mrs. Choi. Mrs. Choi worked at the cubicle nearest the stairs. She was probably the oldest secretary the office has ever had, but that was the only thing Chaeyoung knew about her. “But do you happen to know what the law clerk looks like? Sorry,”

Mrs. Choi looked at Chaeyoung with the same, dead eyes that almost spoke. Her eyes, Chaeyoung just knew, said: ‘I hate working at this job’, or ‘I’m not expecting anything more,’ (or perhaps both). Chaeyoung saw those eyes again, and immediately knew that she didn’t need to feel bad about disturbing Mrs. Choi anymore, because all the years of working here had washed Mrs. Choi stale of any expectations whatsoever. So now she was numb, desensitized to any kind of inconvenience.

She pushed her red, round glasses up her nose and said, “The tall girl with brown hair. She’s in that stall.” She pointed at the room with computers.

“Thanks!” Chaeyoung said.

Mrs. Choi looked back at the papers on her table, nodding only as a form of acknowledgment as her hands started to mechanically arrange the papers into neat piles.

This is what working at the same place for more than a decade does to you, Chaeyoung thought, and she shuddered at the possibility of ending up like her. She could’ve felt bad for her if only she had treated Chaeyoung better.

Actually though, Mrs. Choi had been friendly to Chaeyoung once. She said this occupation had never been a choice for her and that she just did it for the huge salary. Then eventually years and years of work had just gathered up benefits and it pressured her into staying. What she had really wanted was to become a florist, Mrs. Choi said, and Chaeyoung had to keep herself from bursting out laughing, because she had suddenly imagined old Mrs. Choi on a bed full of colorful roses.

But it shouldn’t be a laughing matter. Mrs. Choi probably never wanted to end up here, and her situation was miserable, now that she thought about it.

She headed straight to the computer room.

“Hey,” Chaeyoung approached her from behind and politely tapped her on the shoulder. Although she was seated, one could easily tell she was tall. She had straight, brown hair, too, so Chaeyoung assumed she was the paralegal.

“Hello,” She replied politely out of formality, but there was a hint of confusion in her voice.

Chaeyoung sensed this confusion, of course, and explained, “Oh, I work upstairs. I’m the new intern. Do you need any help?”

The clerk laughed, but it was more a laugh to herself. “Oh, no, it’s fine. Really.”

“Okay.” Chaeyoung looked at her blankly. “Are you sure?”

The clerk paused, and looked to the side as she brought her finger up to her chin, rubbing it slightly, thinking. And Chaeyoung only looked at her. Pretty, Chaeyoung absentmindedly thought.

“Uh, you can fix my desk, I guess?” she said. She reached for the bag underneath her desk and got a few papers out. Before she could give them to Chaeyoung, though, the bell rang. What a strange coincidence.

Chaeyoung awkwardly looked at the papers, then at the paralegal, then back to the papers again.

Chaeyoung looked at her one last time. This was so awkward that it was painful. She felt a strange kind of dread she had never felt before… was it dread, that feeling? Or fear? Or the reality of actually having to face such situations if one stepped out the door more often? She didn’t know.

She felt squirmish, and she only wished for two things: either she didn’t have to see her again, or that they immediately become comfortable with each other in this exact moment. Please take the strange feeling out of my stomach. It was a strange urge Chaeyoung could not explain to anyone.

But now, she knew. That feeling was fear, and she was afraid, because Chaeyoung knew that the paralegal knew she was afraid.

Chaeyoung slightly moved to the side, unsure of what to do. Leaving the clerk here had seemed too rude.

The clerk had slightly moved, too, and even twitched, if Chaeyoung had actually seen that right. “Um,” And as if they had both understood this awkward, social restriction that a strange, business dynamic forced them into, she softly asked, “...Lunch?”

Chaeyoung’s face lit up. She suddenly, enthusiastically said. “Yes!” She was beautiful, Chaeyoung thought. Was she in love? Maybe.  

They both walked to the elevator. Now the doors were closed.

“So what’s your name?”  The girl asked.

“Chaeyoung. Son Chaeyoung. You?”

“Tzuyu.”

Tzuyu, Chaeyoung thought in her head. It was fun to say. It had a cute ring to it, didn’t it? Tzu-yu.

So Chaeyoung wished Tzuyu would say something more to her, because Chaeyoung knew she’d find it in herself to know the right thing to reply, but Tzuyu kept quiet. They had simply waited for the elevator doors to open once again.

When the doors opened they walked to the employees’ cafeteria to order food. Still they were not talking, but the existence of a mutual objective had made the situation immune to awkwardness somehow.

“Do you like it here, so far?” Tzuyu asked now they were lining up to order their meals.

“It’s much scarier than I thought it was, actually.”

Tzuyu laughed, that derogatory laugh that Chaeyoung normally would have hated if it, but she understood it when it came from Tzuyu somehow. Maybe it was because Tzuyu was almost a foot taller than her, or maybe it was the general elegance Tzuyu seemed to radiate, like she was shining. “How so?”

Then she told Tzuyu all about how it was because she was still so new here, and how the office reminded her so much of a prison that it scared her: how it was a concrete repercussion from living in a world so obsessed with efficiency. It was scarier because she had only imagined the consequences from sci-fi movies with, say, hackers spying on you through your laptop camera, but now it seemed real. And she was inside such a prison.

And Chaeyoung went on talking and talking. She didn’t even know what the law was to her, anymore. It didn’t seem to mean anything in this day and age. Her father told her to go for the internship to “expand her networks”, which she followed dumbly. But it was kind of dehumanizing, now that she thought about it, to make friends simply for the prospect of establishing a professional connection. She was already disconnected with the world around her; how could she afford to further objectify the people she was surrounded with?

And she felt so undeserving to be here, all because her uncle owned the company. Like she was part of the nasty system that kept the status quo-- wasn’t this nepotism, after all?

And now that she thought about it- why did she apply for this internship, really? It wasn’t just for the resume, she knew. It was to find what people try to find in other things like sports, or art. Find… what?

She told Tzuyu all of this as if it weren’t anything of personal value at all. As if her feelings were only as trivial as the food she ate for breakfast today, or the route she took walking to school everyday. She could not help but let all these words leave her lips.

“You seem like you’re passionate about something.” It was the only thing Tzuyu said in response.

Chaeyoung smiled bitterly. “That’s hardly the case... but it doesn’t matter.” Chaeyoung replied. The silence in the air reminded her that she had only talked about herself the entire time. “Do you like it here?”

“Please don’t say ‘case’. I’m so sick of hearing the word when I’m not working.” Tzuyu laughed as Chaeyoung did. “And it’s fine. I’ve always worked office jobs, and it’s the same thing every time. Just that I recently moved so I’m quite new here- well, compared my previous jobs at least. So do you get any benefits from being a distant niece?”

“No. They don’t care.” Chaeyoung laughed.

“God. Of course they wouldn’t. Why did I even ask,” Tzuyu said, pausing to drink a sip of water from her thermos. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. So why did you move?”

“Change of scenery.” Tzuyu curtly said.

Tzuyu looked like she wanted to say something else, or ask something else, but suddenly it was their turn in line. They ordered their respective meals, and now they were walking to a table and sat down. Chaeyoung was sitting opposite Tzuyu, where she could see the huge counters of food that they had just lined up behind, and she saw that they still had 45 minutes until work resumed, because there was a huge, round clock in the middle of the wall. She swore to herself that this place could have been a prison before it was renovated to become an office.

They both started eating their meals.

“So where do you live now?” She asked Tzuyu.

“Just around the area. I like it here. It’s quiet… but not too quiet. And they have everything here… it’s not much different from where I’ve lived before, but there’s something about this place that I like.” Tzuyu replied in between eating.

Chaeyoung didn’t know what to say to that, because she could never romanticize being away from home- wherever that is. She’s felt alone all her life. “Do you live alone?”

“Yes. Do you?”

“Of course. I can’t stand the idea of living with other people anymore.” She couldn’t even sleep properly with somebody else in her bed, and had only tolerated it for a few nights in the past, when she’d force herself to endure sleepovers with her girl friends back in highschool. And she remembered dreading all the nights she had to sleep beside her mother when they’d travel all around the world when Chaeyoung was younger, when Chaeyoung still had the time.

“Why?”

Chaeyoung wanted things at her own pace, she said, and the freedom, which included freely storing the wrong things in the wrong places- but they were all right now that she lived alone, because she wanted it that way. And now that was okay. She stored loose change in sewing kit cases, and needles and thread in coin holders. Her entire wallet was a coin purse. She had more than two empty glasses of water on her bedside because she kept forgetting to bring them to the sink to wash. It was things like that that she knew nobody else would fully understand, but she explained it to Tzuyu anyway, and Tzuyu seemed to understand. Then she told Tzuyu about her family. She had a younger brother, and her parents, but they were all 5 hours away. She moved out for college.

“You’re so strange. Are you visiting them for Christmas?” Tzuyu asked.

“I don’t know.” It seemed like Tzuyu felt her disdain for other people in general.

Soon enough they were both finished with their meals, and they stood up to disposed their plates into the right bins.

“Excuse me. I’m just going to get fresh air.” Tzuyu said politely.

“Fresh air? It’s freezing cold outside.”

“Doesn’t mean it isn’t fresh,” Tzuyu half-smiled as her eyes kind of squinted at her. It was almost like a taunt, and Chaeyoung could not do anything but follow behind.

Outside, Tzuyu took out a cigarette box from the pocket of her blazer. The way her hands slid around it, delicately, indicated that she was completely familiar with handling them. Chaeyoung was simply quiet, looking at her with furrowed eyebrows from the brightness of the sun.

“Oh. Sorry. Do you smoke?” Tzuyu asked, taking a single stick out of the box.

“Only on Fridays,”

“My God.” Tzuyu slightly shook her head. She offered Chaeyoung a cigarette anyway, and Chaeyoung took it and placed it between her lips. Tzuyu lit it up for her as Chaeyoung stretched her neck and leaned in.

“It seems all office workers smoke, doesn’t it?” Tzuyu randomly said after a while as if it were a mere passing thought, blowing smoke out of her mouth.

Chaeyoung looked at her and thought about it, and remembered the clump of call center agents she saw almost everyday she took the train home while she was in highschool, and still lived with her family. Those agents always huddled outside to smoke. It was the stress, she knew. “It’s an unfortunate correlation, I guess,”

Tzuyu seemed to ignore the comment unintentionally, her head still in the clouds. “Oh, I don’t think Mrs. Choi smokes though,”

“That’s because she’s not an office worker,” Chaeyoung paused to exhale. “She’s a slave,” Besides, she can’t do anything that’s going to kill her because she’s already dead inside, Chaeyoung wanted to say, but she bit her tongue as she felt like it was too mean. It was always a problem, she knew: her dry meanness.

Tzuyu laughed, and this time she looked at Chaeyoung. “You talk like you don’t work and study for more than half the day.”

Chaeyoung smiled, and didn’t say anything in defeat. Then it occurred to her that the reason Tzuyu seemed to sense her disdain for other people was perhaps because she understood it herself.

After her shift had ended in the office, Chaeyoung could not think about anything but Tzuyu. It scared her, but delighted her in the same time. She guesses it was nice to have a friend in the office; she thought about finally being able to work side-by-side with somebody whose presence she actually enjoyed in the office. Perhaps work wasn’t so bad after all.

But work was work, and going home was still the same. Chaeyoung still went home to her empty apartment that night, cooking a meal only for herself, slightly shaking from the cold. The heater just didn’t do it these days.

How foolish it was of her, to feel delight, then loneliness in such a short span of time. After dinner she hurriedly dressed into her woolen pajamas, and slipped into bed, violently shaking this time-- from the cold, from fear.

She closed her eyes, and remembered the zigzags in the maze. There was no way out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if youve reached this far, thank you for reading :< ive wanted to post this for a very, very long time now T_T


	2. two

II.

It was a Wednesday.

If Chaeyoung could be a day of the week, she would be a Wednesday. It was an awkward, mundane day in the middle of the week. Monday was something to dread, and Friday was something to look forward to. But what was Wednesday? The only entertainment people got out of it was calling it “hump day”. Chaeyoung always made sure to avoid those kinds of people; it was the only way to get through a Wednesday.

The only thing Chaeyoung had on Wednesdays, too, was class. Criminal Law. A weak attempt at making Wednesday at least a bit dynamic?

So today was a Wednesday. Chaeyoung only stayed there lying down under her heavy, woolen covers. She continued to stare at the ceiling until sense of dread pooled in her stomach, because she realized that this day was going to be like any other day. She didn’t even have work today. But then her feet, poking out the blanket, immediately shivered, as if they had only realized how cold it really was now that Chaeyoung was conscious. Chaeyoung retreated them back inside her duvet.

She laid on her side, and thought about what there was to look forward to. Unsurprisingly, there was nothing. Well, there was Winter break, now fast approaching. But it was hard to swallow that there was no more work to do after a few weeks of hectic workload from university. All she knew now was work. And Winter break meant being alone, again. These days aren’t as lonely, because she always has readings for class, and a few papers to proofread in the library, and it hadn’t been so heavy a reminder that she was going to be completely alone again this break.

She got her phone from under her pillow and checked her messages. Jungyeon was asking to hang out, because she hadn’t seen Chaeyoung in months, and apparently, today’s Criminal Law class was cancelled because the professor called in sick. She was asking if it was okay if she could bring Nayeon and some other people, too.

She sighed in relief. And by a miracle, Chaeyoung replied, ‘Yes.’

It made her feel bad, sometimes, thinking about how kind Jungyeon was. Or maybe it was pity doing its job.

Or was it compassion?

Chaeyoung often blithely thought about compassion. It was a strange thing to think about. Was it a feeling? A decision? Or a commitment, whether religious or secular, whether to an institution or merely to one’s self? Compassion was like an onion begging not be peeled; it was layers and layers of complicated religious, political, and philosophical beliefs that all stemmed down to a single and universal foundation: the desire to serve-- it was the core of compassion. But what fueled the desire to serve? Nobody had seemed to question that foundation, but Chaeyoung did.

But questioning the foundation of compassion, to her, was almost like questioning charity, and she guessed that that was essentially she had friends? Over the years she had accepted not to wonder anymore.

15 minutes later, a glass of milk laid untouched beside the faucet. It was too cold to drink. A coaster that was meant to lay under the glass laid atop the rim instead, and beside it was a hot cup of tea. Chaeyoung felt pathetic for having to make two separate drinks; she had forgotten how cold it was in the morning that milk from the refrigerator just wouldn't do.

 

Other days you just can’t will yourself to get out of bed. Other days, you just have to pretend to be okay. Today was one of those days. Chaeyoung was feeling a bit well.

 

“God… sometimes I feel like Chaeyoung wouldn’t even step a foot outside her home if she didn’t have to.”

“Like Boo?”

“What?”

“Boo Radley- you know, To Kill A Mockingbird?”

“What the fuck, I don’t know.”

 

The sound of distant voices hung around the outside of Chaeyoung’s apartment door, and then came the doorbell. Chaeyoung didn’t have to walk all the way to the living room to know who they belonged to.

Chaeyoung walked out of the kitchen to meet said intruders. Dahyun, Nayeon, and Jungyeon.

“Hi.” Chaeyoung greeted (deadpanned). “Take a seat, please, and make yourselves comfortable… uh, if you still haven’t.” She scratched the nape of her neck.

Dahyun laughed out of her nose and sat down her couch, “Yeah, you don’t have to tell me twice,”

Nayeon ignored Dahyun and paced about, until she walked over her window to see what little scenery she could possibly see outside, through the fog and snow. Then, she said thoughtfully, “You’re all alone today, huh? Where’s Mark?”

Chaeyoung sat herself down beside Dahyun. “Yeah. And uh, I don’t know?”

“Why not get a roommate, anyway? Or move in with somebody?”

Chaeyoung kept a straight face and shrugged her shoulders. She wondered if Tzuyu would be willing to share an apartment with her. How wonderful that would be! “I don’t know.”

“It gets lonely at times, doesn’t it?” Nayeon asked.

“I guess, yeah.” Chaeyoung said.

This time, Dahyun nodded in understanding. “Uh- huh,” This was her attempt of trying to empathize with Chaeyoung. It didn’t necessarily work, but well, it was appreciated. “I guess I’d be sad too, if Nayeon left me alone in our apartment. And I was alone. With nobody at all. Solo.”

Chaeyoung internally sighed, tried with all her might to keep on a straight face. Why were they having this conversation. “Oh. Where’s Jungyeon, by the way?”

“Oh,” Nayeon suddenly held in a laugh. “She’s trying to find a parking space in front of your building because Dahyun can’t park for shit. Oh, yeah, if you didn’t know, we’re driving Dahyun’s car. She finally has a car.” She stared at Dahyun.

Dahyun caught Nayeon’s stare, and she grinned, fishing her open wallet that showcased her driver’s license out of her coat pocket and dangling it like bait.

Chaeyoung rolled her eyes. “But I don’t have a death wish- ouch!”

Dahyun threw her wallet on Chaeyoung’s face. “That’s what you get for being rude!” Dahyun spat out while Chaeyoug massaged her forehead in pain and exhilaration.

Nayeon laughed. “Chaeyoung, baby, hurry up and get dressed. I want to spend the day just driving around town today.”

“In this weather?”

“Chaeyoung, stop complaining!”

 

 

Dahyun’s car reeked of artificial strawberries.

Chaeyoung liked strawberries, but the cheap scent wanted to make her vomit, slightly, and the excruciatingly cold air gave off a feeling of being stuck inside a place she didn’t particularly want to be in, and she thought it disgusting. Hopeless. Chaeyoung’s eyebrows furrowed.

“How much did you get that for?” Chaeyoung asked. She crawled all the way to the driver’s seat to ask that her seat belt stretched at least a feet and a half.

“What?” Dahyun was driving. (Dahyun was actually driving.)

“The car scent, I meant. It smells like shi-”

“Oh my god, Chaeyoung, you asshole.” Nayeon suddenly laughed from her seat. She distractedly fixed her bangs, rhythmically, perfectly. Nayeon’s default (or signature?) move. “Just be glad she’s not killing any of us yet.”

Jungyeon kept quiet, her hand endearingly stroking Chaeyoung’s head.

Dahyun exhaled loudly from her nose. “One day I’m going to throw both of you out the car while I’m driving, and I mean it.”

Chaeyoung had to laugh at that.

Dahyun suddenly pulled the brakes of the car, and a satisfied smile played on her face.

Both Chaeyoung and Nayeon didn’t realize that they were now parked, because none of them had bothered to watch the streets pass and the buildings flicker, because there was nothing to see, anyway. Everything around them was now only a few miscellaneous colors peeking out of white and white everywhere. Spring was coming late this year.

“We’re here.”

They arrived at a busy food strip, where Jungyeon parked for Dahyun again. Chaeyoung waited with her inside the car because it was too cold for her outside.

Dahyun and Nayeon decided they were going to walk through the entire strip and devour anything that seemed edible. Meanwhile, Chaeyoung and Jungyeon simply decided on having barbeque. It was better inside, warmer.

“I haven’t properly seen you in so long,” Jungyeon remarked while she was taking her coat off. They were seated at the corner of the restaurant. Chaeyoung didn’t even bother taking her coat off. “Dude, take your coat off.”

“I’m lazy.”

“Chaeyoung, it’s going to smell like shit after and you know it and you’re going to regret it and I know that.”

Chaeyoung rolled her eyes, and smiled. “Fine,” Jungyeon sometimes was too rash, but Chaeyoung liked it. Her headaches disappeared when she was with Jungyeon. Tough love Jungyeon.

She finally took off her coat and-

“Oh my god, Chaeng, what is that peeking out of your coat? You smoke now?”

“I-” It was embarrassing to admit and talk about. She was at a loss for words.

“I’m not judging you or anything, but Chaeng, why?”

“I don’t know, really.” Chaeyoung said. Then after a long pause, she apologized. “I’m sorry, Jungyeon.”

For some reason, Chaeyoung was really sorry to Jungyeon. She felt as if she had let Jungyeon down. And it was saddening to see Jungyeon look at her with so much pity. But she went on to explain, anyway, because she knew that that was what Jungyeon would’ve wanted.

She said it was an escape. She got into it because there was nothing else in her life, anyway; it was starting to become a boring cycle of going to school, going home, or going to work. And then going home. It looked nice- or, no, it looked relaxing seeing people smoke cigarettes. So she tried it once. Then she liked it. And it fit the kind of person she saw herself as.

“You don’t know how many times I’ve eaten shitty sushi in 7-Eleven for dinner after night classes, it’s almost hilarious. Actually, it is. Like, you might as well go for a smoke, you know?” Chaeyoung said at one point, and Jungyeon didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

It was nice apparently, having a stick in between your lips, or in between your fingers. She hated the smell at first but she got used to it. Then she told Jungyeon about her internship, and about Tzuyu. Tzuyu smokes, too.

Smoking together after having lunch became a practice after the first day they met. Chaeyoung and Tzuyu would work in the office 3 times a week, and they would always have a smoke after lunch.

“As long as you’re happy, I guess. Just don’t overdo it,”

Chaeyoung nodded. Then she asked about how Jungyeon was doing. How was Sana’s party? Was it fun? She asked all these. It was, apparently, and they all missed her.

She smiled bitterly, and remembered having such a lonely dinner with Mark afterwards. She guesses she liked him. He was one of the people she genuinely liked, but she could not feel anything beyond that. “I should stay longer in stuff like that. I feel like I’m missing out on so much.”

"Well, that's your choice," Jungyeon said genuinely. Then their food arrived; it was still raw. Jungyeon took the courtesy of placing it on the grill. Smoke was going up in the air. Chaeyoung was pinching her nose. It smelled like shit. "Oh. But you don't hang out with Mark much anymore?"

"No. Why does everybody keep asking me that?" 

"I don't know. He follows you around like he's your bitch, it's kinda funny, considering how dead you are to the world." 

Chaeyoung gave Jungyeon a deadpanned look. "Ha-ha. Very funny."

Jungyeon smiled sheepishly, "No, I'm serious. What's the deal with him, anyway? Is he trying to go for you... or something?"

Chaeyoung closed her eyes and massaged the temples of her forehead, and sighed. She didn't want to think about it; she didn't want to think about Mark either. What was it with Mark, anyway? Yes, Chaeyoung liked him; he was kind, and nice, and gentle. But she could not even comprehend developing a liking to him that went beyond platonic friendship, even if she tried. She knew she wouldn't be able to. But it seemed that he was so set on "getting" her, or saving her. He knew of her struggles, and of her sadness. And she appreciated it. But it probably wouldn't make much of a difference if he had stopped his efforts. 

Chaeyoung liked him much better before, when he was just a good friend that was occasionally there. But there was something about Mark that scared her now, and she didn't want to think about it. She didn't want to think about Mark. "Please don't ask me that."

Jungyeon looked at Chaeyoung thoughtfully. The barbeque on the grill was cooked now. "I'm sorry," She wrapped them in cabbage and placed some on Chaeyoung's plate, and then hers. Chaeyoung nodded in acknowledgment. 

"No, it's ok. I mean, I just really don't like thinking about it, do you get me?" Chaeyoung paused in thought, poking her food with her chopsticks. "Oh, and I don't like Mark. I can never. Please tell all your friends that,"

Jungyeon let out a little laugh. "Okay, okay." 

 

 

Chaeyoung was dropped off in her apartment after. She could not thank Jungyeon enough, who even paid for their meal.

And Chaeyoung was so full from her meal earlier with Jungyeon that she opted out of dinner. She was looking out the window now, already in her long-sleeved pajamas. The snow was falling. She was watching the people downstairs go about their lives, so miniature-looking and minuscule all the way from here that they looked like ants. This actually wasn’t lonely at all. It made her feel like the world was actually turning slower, like life was actually simple. It was a temporary relief.

Then She stood up and got the radio atop the refrigerator, and tuned in to the nearest station she could find. She continued to look out the window from the chair she was sitting at. Chaeyoung continued to watch the people underneath until she eventually got sleepy, and slipped into bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is rly fun to write and i rly do plan on finishing this story so im excited!! pls dont forget to leave a comment, would love to hear what you guys think :<


	3. three

III. 

 

“Where do you want to go?” Tzuyu asked Chaeyoung. She was behind the wheel, and Chaeyoung was beside her in the passenger seat. She had asked Chaeyoung if she had wanted to eat a little before going home from work. It was a Friday, after all, and there was nothing to do tomorrow. Today was her last day of school for the year. 

Tzuyu’s car suited her. A black Subaru, with a kind of radiant black paint. Chaeyoung didn’t really know a lot about cars, neither was she fan of them… but she could not help but stare when Tzuyu started it up from a few feet away with a click on her keys. She was so… cool. 

It was insane how Tzuyu made Chaeyoung feel so small, and so young, when they’re only 2 months apart from each other. 

“I don’t know. I’m ok with anything. We can just drive thru, even, I wouldn’t mind,” 

Tzuyu looked at Chaeyoung and smiled. What was she implying? “Okay, ma’am.” 

They were quiet for a bit of the ride. Tzuyu got out of the office’s parking lot, smoothly, then drove off. She took a detour and apologized for it, said she liked driving around just to take her mind off things. Chaeyoung didn’t ask her ‘what things’ anymore, didn’t want to ruin the mood. 

But Chaeyoung said it was fine. She liked this, driving around the city with Tzuyu. It was nice. 

“Do you mind if I roll down the windows?” 

Chaeyoung looked at Tzuyu like she was insane. Who rolled down the windows during Wintertime? But still, she said, “Okay.”

So Tzuyu did. She was still driving, not looking at Chaeyoung, when she asked: “What are you doing for the holidays?” 

Chaeyoung shivered, and buried her palms in the pockets of her coat. “I don’t know.” 

“Are you not visiting your family?”

“No.”

“What do you usually do anyway, during the holidays?”

“It was different before,” Chaeyoung said. She was a highschooler then, and she still lived with her family. And she told Tzuyu all about it. They would usually go out of town, or out of the country, just because. No one had ever really given a reason for it, and she never really knew  _ why.  _ Her father barely believed in religion. Her mother was a devout Catholic, though. But it was funny, because they usually wouldn’t even go to Catholic countries during December. It was probably just a convenient time to go out as a family. So that was what her Christmases were like in the past. 

Then she told Tzuyu about last Christmas. They went to Vietnam and it was beautiful, but she ate too much pho and went back to Korea with a really bad stomach. Tzuyu laughed so hard that she could only drive with one hand. Her other hand up in the air. It was an image Chaeyoung captured in her head: Tzuyu laughing behind the wheel.jpg. 

“How ironic. My god. But how about now though? Hasn’t anyone asked you to spend it with them?” 

“Yes,” Chaeyoung said. There was Mark. She didn’t really want to talk about him, or think about him, but she could not lie to Tzuyu. 

“Who?”

“Mark. Mark Tuan. He’s one of my college blockmates, and I also went to highschool with him.” 

“And who is this Mark? Is he your boyfriend?”

“Oh my god- _no!_ ” Chaeyoung immediately winced. The last thing she wanted Tzuyu to think about her was that she had a boyfriend. 

Tzuyu laughed again. “Why are you so repulsed?” 

“Everybody thinks we’re a thing, but we’re not. I’d rather… no, please. Just no,” 

Tzuyu laughed, and under her breath, she muttered, “Same.” 

Chaeyoung didn’t really know what that meant. And she didn’t want to ask either. She didn’t like asking Tzuyu things. She didn’t want to feel like a burden. 

Then Tzuyu drove thru a fast-food parking lot. She ordered a quarter pounder, and Chaeyoung ordered mere chicken nuggets. Tzuyu had scolded her briefly in front of the speakers, _You eat too little, this is why you’re never going to grow,_ and before Chaeyoung could reply, ordered her a quarter pounder as well. Chaeyoung blushed. 

Tzuyu drove out and parked the car near a children’s playground. There was a park beside it. It was nighttime, and barely anybody was around. 

It was already evening out after all. Chaeyoung looked at her phone from her pocket to check the time. 9:34PM. 

“What are you checking the time for? Do you have a strict schedule, when to eat dinner?” Tzuyu asked. She was serious.

“Oh, no, no. Just wanted to check the time.”

“Okay. You’re strange. Go eat,”

Chaeyoung started to unwrap her burger. But she stopped halfway through. “Tzuyu, can I tell you something?” She wanted to be honest.

“Of course.”

“Okay.” Chaeyoung looked at her lap nervously. Then slowly, to Tzuyu, while she spoke. “I have a lot of fun when I’m with you. I don’t want this night to end.” She wanted to be honest to Tzuyu.

Tzuyu looked slightly surprised, and flustered, even. But she quickly got herself together. “Why, thank you. I have fun with you, too. This is great, isn’t it?” 

“Yes.” Of course it was great. Everything was great with Tzuyu. She didn’t have to think about anything else with Tzuyu.

And they both started to eat their meals in Tzuyu’s car. They weren’t talking for a while, but they were contented. But then, Tzuyu asked, seemingly as a passing thought, “Have you ever fallen in love?” 

“No.” Chaeyoung answered truthfully. Then she asked, although she was scared of Tzuyu’s answer, “have you?” 

“Yeah,” Tzuyu rested her arm on her car door, her elbow peeking outside. 

“What’s it like?” Chaeyoung asked.

“It’s great, being able to love. But then…” 

“But then what?” 

“Sometimes things don’t go your way, and it breaks your heart. Either you break up with them, or they break up with you; it’s painful either way. Then you start to think, did you really love them for who they were? Or did you just love them for what you gave them? Because you gave them a piece of yourself, and that piece of yourself is an investment. So if you love them, just for what you’ve given them… was that love? It’s very hard to say whether you’ve fallen in love with somebody else, or with just… merely yourself. But I’ve definitely fallen in love… and out of love,” 

“What happened?” Chaeyoung asked. 

“Let’s… talk about it some other time, right?” Tzuyu smiled at Chaeyoung. She didn’t want to hurt her feelings. 

Chaeyoung nodded and didn’t say anything else. It was like that for a while. 

But suddenly, Tzuyu spoke. “You don’t want this night to end, right?” 

Was that a taunt? Chaeyoung was going to be brave. From the day they met, Tzuyu has taught her courage. What it meant to be independent. So she stood her ground, and replied, “No, I don’t.” 

Tzuyu smiled to herself. “Then let’s get some drinks.”

Chaeyoung sighed in relief. “Yes.”

Tzuyu drove the car again. The windows were still down, but Chaeyoung had forgotten about the cold. She felt warm here. And safe. 

Then, somehow, here they were; they ended up in some makeshift marketplace downtown. Tzuyu got off the car first, and she opened the door for Chaeyoung. It was so flustering. Now they were walking down the street, and it was jolly; there were stalls all over the place that just sold about everything. Food, drinks, toys...

“What do you want?” Tzuyu asked Chaeyoung.

“A beer. Why are you asking me? Don’t tell me you’re paying for it.” 

“I am.” Tzuyu said vaguely, sternly, keeping her eyes on the menu overhead. 

“Don’t do that.” 

“I will,"

“No,” Chaeyoung said, desperately trying to conceal her smile as a last protest, although her defeat was clear.

“Think of it as payment,” Tzuyu faced Chaeyoung and smiled, “for saying yes to have lunch with me that day.” She looked away again.

“Fine.” Chaeyoung said, forcing her tone into monotony, because she didn’t want to embarrass herself with such apparent enthusiasm. Tzuyu was so enigmatic sometimes, but Chaeyoung was actually so happy this way. And she was thankful Tzuyu was looking at the menu again, because she could feel her cheeks getting warm, and she was sure she was blushing by now. 

She felt so stupid for it; it was like being a teenager all over again. So helpless. She ducked her head in shame and embarrassment, but the ever-widening smile would not leave her face.

But behind the long, messy crowd of customers, the coffee shop was way too loud, the both of them agreed, so they decided to move to another place. A stall, or somewhere quiet where they could talk to each other properly, Tzuyu suggested. Chaeyoung said yes again. All she ever did with Tzuyu was say yes. Tzuyu could ask her to jump off the law office’s building and she’d probably do it. And what would Tzuyu tell the officers? That she did it out of love.

They went outside, and Chaeyoung checked her phone for nearby establishments they could drink in instead, until she found one 4 blocks away.

They decided to walk to it. They were not talking. Once in awhile they would be separated by a crowd of people, but then they would walk side by side again. Tzuyu seemed to have a lot going on in her mind, and it made Chaeyoung wonder what she was thinking about, but sometimes Tzuyu really was inscrutable, and now was one of those times. Chaeyoung wished she could get inside Tzuyu’s head and comfort her, drive out any demons (if there were any, she didn’t even know), or whisper sweet things to her, anything to put Tzuyu at ease. But that was impossible. She looked away. 

It was crazy that the streets were still so filled with people even in this weather, Chaeyoung thought to herself. She stuffed her hands warm in her coat pockets. She wondered why people did the things they did, but then she realized that she, too, was one of these people enduring the oppressive cold in the streets for the sake of being outside. Outside with Tzuyu. Right. But she didn’t need to worry much, really, because there was so much going on in her head as well that it distracted her from the cold.

While walking, Chaeyoung’s arm would brush against Tzuyu’s, and she would move a minuscule step away. But then a few seconds after she would come closer, hoping that their arms would brush against each other once more. It was like the first day all over again; she desired that it was either she did not touch Tzuyu at all, or that she had her arms slung around Tzuyu’s. She smiled to herself. She wanted to put her arms around Tzuyu.

“What are you thinking about? You’re smiling like a child.” Tzuyu asked her. Chaeyoung didn’t want to tell Tzuyu what she was thinking: that they were probably spending Christmas together.  She didn’t know whether Tzuyu was joking, or legitimately angry, either; she couldn’t catch the tone in her voice. She was contemplating on asking Tzuyu about it, but suddenly Tzuyu slid her hand down Chaeyoung’s arm, and took Chaeyoung’s hand in hers. It startled the both of them, but Tzuyu continued to hold her hand. 

It was the happiest Chaeyoung has felt in a long, long time. All she wanted was Tzuyu’s hand in hers. 

And Chaeyoung thought about happiness, all the way to her apartment that Tzuyu dropped her off in. 

How lucky she was, that she had, right here, what everybody sought for all over. 


End file.
